A few months ago, my co-worker (Shen - aka SLim Shady) and I started a KPMG indoor soccer team. SLim was our main recruiter, and after our initial email out to the division we got enough response to form a team. As I don't have many good stories right now, I thought I would share some of our team emails...
Initial Recruiting Email
Hello,
There comes a time in every Auditor’s life when they ask themselves … “why am I not playing indoor soccer with my work mates as a way of boosting team morale and more importantly improve my fitness to unparallel heights?”. Understandably, the nature of our job prevents us from kicking spherical balls on a regular basis.
Look at your feet, now back here…is there a soccer ball? No. But, there jolly well could be if you desired.
“How?”. Glad you asked.
I am looking to start an ambitious, ambiguous, ambient KPMG indoor soccer team to play at the “Life Be In It” http://www.sa.lifebeinitsports.org/standard.php?id=707 league. This league is mixed and purely social, which equates to good times for all.
In order to get the ball rolling (I regret nothing), I need feedback/interest as to whether you’d be keen to play and what day. The days that are on offer are Wednesday and Thursday nights, match times ranging from 6pm to 10.10pm.
The Health and Wellbeing committee has so generously decided to pay the registration fee of $50 if a team is established (I’ll chase up confirmation on that one).
If my wall of text doesn’t entice you then this dress-up picture of Kim Jong Il will: http://i.imgur.com/tYcl1.jpg
Any questions feel free to ask.
Ciao
Shen Lim
Match Report 19/01/11
Won (kinda):8-7
6pm games are the worst for Auditors of all ages, coupled with Anzac Highway’s bumper to bumper action, Team KPMG arrived fashionably late and invariably set a high risk of missing match (RoMM, you love it). Team KPMG left a good first impression at Estadio Immanuel.
The refs penalised us with 3 goals for being late; unfazed by our pre-game deficit, Derek, Roman and myself got things started while our fellow members battled through traffic. With Roman in goals, Derek and I played tight defence. Tight, like the seats on Virgin Blue. Soon enough the Calvary, that was Hillary and Keith, came to our rescue and we began our comeback. Fuelled by rage and Stat accounts, HKFender pounced onto a pass and opened our account with a powerful drive into the top right corner of the net. Our fellow Englishman, Keith, inspired by Lleyton Hewitt’s dismal performance, dominated our opponents and scored 2 goals in quick succession. The ever in-form Derek, spurred our team onwards with his rendition of the River Dance and a resulting goal. I too joined in on the fun and scored a delicious goal; the goal celebration in my head was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOab7ytI_bE#t=16s.
Despite our gallant efforts, Team KPMG were still trailing our opponents. Suddenly, as if scripted, silence dawned. The subtle breeze and distant voices from the school grounds permeated throughout the gym. Heads turned to centre court as Team KPMG swapped keeping roles to bring Roman ‘The Romanator’ Vokurek onto the field. Roman stood there in an imposing stance, looked straight into the souls of our opponents and uttered…”We’ll comeback”. Precision and swift movement saw our Czech bulldozer, demolish our opposition not once, not twice, but thrice, thus becoming our first hat-trick hero.
Although the final score was 10-8, our opponents way, Team KPMG technically won 8-7 if you remove the 3 goal penalty at the start. It should be noted we were playing kids. Those kids were duly reminded they were kids by Darren. Darren’s last minute morale boosting appearance was basically him shouting phrases at the kids such as “it’s past your bedtime”.
Cheers,
Shen Lim
Match Report 09/02/11
Won:13-2
Due to time constraints I shall write this report as if it was a CA question:
· The game was pretty close…until we started.
· 2nd rank opponents tried a well calculated tactic, ‘turning up late and not having enough players’. Did it work???
· No
· Team KPMG defeated the first hurdle by turning up on time to a 6pm game.
· All debutants to Team KPMG have had stellar impacts…and that remains the same with the introduction of Ben ‘The-eAudit-Man-Planning-Eccentric-Soccer-Tactics’ Twartz (nickname shortened to Tempest); within minutes of kick-off, BT had nothing but bloodlust on his mind. Using his Ultimate ability, ‘kick-ball’, he struck the ball powerfully into the bottom corner of the net.
· Romanator, fresh from doing his Romanating activities, continued his fine form with a couple of delicious goals.
· Derek without his lucky long socks, had no option but to impromptu make a set of long socks by pulling up his fine silk woven work socks all the way up to his knees. Unfazed by the effects of short-to-long-sockinitis, Derek, and his newly found brown soccer socks, hussled through our dying opponents and assisted the team in numerous ways (especially in sock architecture).
· Keith, the powerhouse of Team KPMG, lead the attack with 6 goals of his own. However, due to his lack of defensive communication with the goalkeeper, the goalkeeper has decided to deduct a goal from his tally. 5.
· Chris ‘mini-Romanator’ Ashton’s pre-game tactic was to shoot more; this in turn lead to him outshining his clone by superbly scoring 4 classy goals. His shots were so powerful, the sheer momentum of his drive caused him to fall over…everytime.
· HFender, ragey from eAudit deleting all our SOX work, piled on the assist points. Again, our opponents weren’t sure how to tackle a female.
· I copped one in the balls…wasn’t a great Valentine’s gift from the opponents.
· A group of turtles is called a Bale.
Shen Lim
Match Report 9/03/11
Tied
Thought I’d step in in Shen’s abscence:
In the pantheon of history, no team before or since has looked so intimidating, or so godly, as the team we played last night. Achilles, Hercules, Agamemnon – all had nothing on the young warriors we faced. And us – we looked like a bunch of accountants, a bit stressed at having left work so early.
In short, we were up against it. And the kick off time meant we were 2 men short, and 2 goals down, after five minutes. One such goal involved the classic knee-rolly-shinny resulting in Tonkin being lobbed whilst gamely attempting to goal-keep in the 6ft high nets. It was a low point.
But hark, for riding into battle were messrs Snowdon and Vokurek, late but not ill-equipped. Galvanised, we took the game to the glistening, musclebound youngsters, and fought like dogs. We were rewarded. First – Halifax turning his usual tricks to our advantage and slamming home; then, some slick passing resulting in the most sublime goal ever witnessed in the amphitheatre known as Unley High School gymnasium. Fender applied the finish to a stunning move.
2-2 at the half, and still the wild minotaurs raged, breathing smoke from nostrils, pawing the earth.
The game continued apace, with bite-yer-legs Halifax supplying the steel, and Lim ordering the team as a Roman general. Caesar could not match such leadership. Further slick play led to chances galore, but the ball wouldn’t go in. We suffered all the slings and arrows the young beasts could throw, and despite impressive saves from Snowdon, conceded a further goal. Not to be outdone, we strained sinews and matched the dogs of war, Tonkin and Halifax notching a goal apiece, Vokurek ably assisting. It was soon pulled back to 4-4, a piledriving effort leaving Snowdon with no chance.
3 minutes to go, and a breakaway meant another conceded, backs firmly against the wall. But defeat was not an option. We took arms against such a sea of troubles, grew strong, went forward, and in the dying moments, Halifax scored again. 5-5. The game was not finished yet. The lions thus pricked, were baying for blood. They got it. Lim was slammed into the gladiatorial wall and bones shattered. We had expected casualties – we got them. The apothecary (Meates) was on hand with tea and sympathy.
We live to fight again.
Laurence Tonkin
